As some of my personal friends know I have suffered from clinical depression on-and-off for years, only to discover that at 19, I am bi-polar as well. I’ve also shared the same struggle with addiction which took the life my life long best friend, and my close friend since middle school recently.
It seams to be a taboo among society to talk about with people, including those we are closest to in life. I can tell you that unfortunately I have lost friends due to my struggles. And you know what? It sucks not to be able to talk about it, other then to a professional. I want it to be accepted and be public about what struggle is like.
Depression is terrible and for those who have gone through it know exactly what I am talking about. Depression has come closer to killing me then my addictions ever have. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It takes over your whole body mind, soul, and personality. People will ask “How are you?” or “How have you been lately?” and you want to do nothing more then unload to the point you have tears flowing down your cheeks. But as society wants and views, most of the time you just answer “Pretty good” or “Not too bad.” Depression leads me to the next taboo: Addiction.
I have struggled with addiction on-and-off since I was 20 years old. My addiction story starts just like every other, but It’s a bit different. I, like most, was involved in an accident where i was prescribed heavy opiates for an extended period of time, then was cut off without warning (Mind you this was 2007-2008 before laws became strict) because it was the start of an epidemic in this country. I had been smoking pot since I was 15 and had met a few people over the years that could connect me to other things, so getting my hands on anything was pretty easy.
I have always had an addictive personality that extends far beyond drugs and alcohol. When pills were thrown in the mix, it just made it worse. As time progressed I became close friends with my dealer who in turn gave me pills for cheap, and later became my roommate. He had a condition that caused him to get WAYYYY over prescribed different opiates and benzo’s. It got to a point where i never paid for a thing. There would be something waiting for me by my keys in the morning to get me through the day.
I pulled myself out of that scenario and “cleaned up” which really just meant I was only taking a couple “blues” (30mg Percoset) one or twice a week and getting better at hiding it. For 8 years of my life it has been to a point where I was more depressed then anything, and I would hit my low point and just go out and find a few blues. I would either pop them, or crush them and snort them. In my head I wasn’t an addict (haha) and I had it under control.
The times I have been clean in my life have been the times I have been the least depressed. When I fall to my depression, I turn to the one thing that has never let me down in my life. I lost 2 of my best friends in February due to addiction and it has caused the most depression in my life I have ever had. It’s part of the reason I am up at 2am writing this blog. I can say that for as low as I have felt, This time I have stayed clean, and its the hardest struggle I have dealt with since February.
Add my extreme anxiety to the mix, and you have a recipe for potential disaster. Currently, I feel I have it 85% under control. But this recurring insomnia, crippling depression, and struggle to keep clean really sucks, and 15% of me is ready to implode.