“New Year, New Me” Is Such Bullshit, But Change Is Necessary

We are about to close out possibly the worst year of my 28 years in existence. Details aren’t necessary, it seems pretty universal everywhere. I mean being a kid that grew up in the early 90’s, we lost some amazing pop icons.

Whatever I’ve been doing doesn’t seem to be producing positive results. Is it fate, or is it because I executed everything so poorly? I mean the year wasn’t a total loss. I’m finally driving a decent car which I love and took multiple road trips this summer, I have a job that allows me the flexibility to travel and call my own hours, even over the past 12 days have ended on a high note with some close friends reminding me that there’s more out there, I just need to look at things different.

So we come upon 2017 in a few days, and I have no idea what this year will bring. I can say that I’m still going to be the same asshole I was before, but 2017 is the year of change. It is time to make some big changes in my life, some which are certainly overdue. I know some of the changes I am making will surprise a lot of my friends, ad I’m sure I will lose touch with some because when someone changes a life style, they tend to disconnect from those that don’t change. I am only changing for myself, not for those around me.

I had 2 weekends this whole year that I truly enjoyed and can say I was actually truly happy. One of those weekends just passed us and it got me to thinking. Actually it got me thinking so much, It’s all I have thought about since.

Maybe moving to VA isn’t the greatest idea right now, and maybe I should reconsider relocating and where. I saw an old friend this weekend who reminded me to follow my heart and my passion. I don’t have true passion to move to VA, it’s just easy. It’s time to stop going for easy and maybe take a bigger risk.

So this new year, I will be changing in a positive direction with changes in my lifestyle. However that doesn’t change who I am. I’m still me, and I always will be, love me or hate me.

The fear of change, and the fear of staying the same

Recently I decided MA wasn’t the state for me and it was that point in my life the relocation was the only answer. This whole process is moving quicker then i could imagine. Now I feel nervous and depressed. Yes, I want to leave, but I am starting over new. I know in my heart its time to leave. I have no friends around here anymore, and I want something new.

However as an introvert it scares the shit out of me. I hate meeting new people, and get terrified in the most basic situations. I’m also scared shitless to move. I don’t know if this is a good thing or the worst thing in the world for me.

I am also fearful that if I stay, bad habits will repeat themselves. The fact I’m scared, feel alone, and have no one to look to anymore is a recipe for a disastrous relapse, and that is the absolute lat thing I want. But if I feel is close and interment, is there power to stop?

I haven’t felt like this since February. And i hate that I do…