I don’t know how many people bother to read this anymore as it has been a while since my last update.
Well, like clockwork, I F’ed up again. I fell for someone I know I shouldn’t have, and I knew this from day 1. For some reason I lost control and fell for her despite knowing what I knew and knowing it was not a good thing. Honestly, for a couple weeks, I was happy.
But I fucked it up. This time I think its irreparable, and I lost another good friend, and a piece of me, again. This is something I was used to back when I used drugs, but knowing that’s has nothing to do with that is the part that hurts.
Recently I was talking to someone about addiction and how there are different types in this world:
- Those who are looking to chase a feeling
- Those who are looking to silence ‘the noise’
I was never chasing a feeling, I was only trying to silence the noise. Just imagine watching a TV with no channel on so its just that static snow, with the volume all the way up on surround sound. That’s ‘the noise’
The more time moves on, the more I realize its time. Time to start somewhere new. That feeling hurts. I mean yes, I have been talking about this move since November, but the realization just hit me that now I HAVE to. There’s nothing left in Massachusetts but broken friendships and heartache.
I used to believe in a concept we called ‘OC4L’ but I realize I’m the only person who still believes in that.
I was hesitant about publishing this post, but maybe 1 person reading this will understand what I mean by ‘the noise.‘
Right now the noise is at about 11 and my ear drums are ready to pop.