It’s amazing how you can lift yourself up on your own…

I have kept most of these blog posts deep and personal hoping that maybe someone out there can read these and relate, and realize they aren’t alone.

Brief rundown of recent events; I tore my right UCL (tendon that holds thumb together) and had to get surgery. So yes, I was on percoset for a bit. In that time I lost control for a bit and lost some close relationships. One of those was one of my parents who shall remain anon.

During my spin out I did have close friends who never left my side and helped me get past yet another giant roadblock in my life. Others decided that ditching me and “tough love” was a better route.  These are the people that I thought understood my life battles. I battle with many demons, but the worst of them all is depression and my anxiety disorder (which was recently re-diagnosed to be worse then originally dx’ed). The people that decided to turn their back and thought it was for the best for me, have no clue. It was the absolute worst thing to do in the worst time. When someone clearly needs help, help them! Would you let someone drown off a boat because “it’s best they learn to swim”? That is the most asinine thought process in the world. The damage is done with those relationships, the trust is lost on both ends, and I am not sure if it will ever be repaired. I was left to drown by them. Those that threw me a life preserver , well let’s just say I know who to trust.

I have since pulled myself up from where I was a month ago. My hand is healing better then expected, I am feeling better about myself, and I did it on my own, with the help of a few friends. Irreparable damage has been caused and I am starting to re-align myself to be exactly where I need to be. It’s unfortunate the damage I caused (and I take full responsibility) but it’s time to move forward.

Yes this is more personal then previous posts but the stigma behind addiction and psychological disorders needs to end.

I haven’t posted in a while and this gets a little personal (must read if you’ve ever had chronic pain)…

It has been a while since I last posted for 1 reason: depression. I shut the world off for a while and said screw everyone. I have since started to come back around, but that’s not the reason for this post. A lot of my previous posts have been about my struggles with addiction, how I got down that road, and what I have done to try to overcome them. This is none of that.

This post is kind of how my addiction started; pain. I have for the past 4 years struggles with chronic knee pain. A lot of my friends, peers, and doctors have in their own way just thought it was a way for another addict to get what he wanted. This was never the case. I recently had some scans done and it was found I have almost no cartilage left in my right knee and the left wasn’t much better. Doctors also found a slight tear in my meniscus on my right knee. The theory has been the high impact my knees have taken over the years due to snowboarding, running, and the other like-sports since I was  (maybe 4?) young.

Lately the pain has started to progress and get worse. Long story short, my insurance won’t cover the surgery I need for my meniscus till basically it gets worse and I wind up in the E.R. unable to walk. They won’t prescribe me anything since it would be long term and, well, old habits die hard.

I have been attempting to hide this pain for 4 years now (and failing) but as it has gotten worse, I have fallen back to old habits. This time not completely out of addiction, this time out of not wanting to be in so much fucking pain 24/7. Anyone reading this who has had chronic 24/7 pain for more then a week knows EXACTLY what I’m talking. I have even thought about suicide, just to end the pain.

Bottom line is I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to be in pain. About 3 weeks ago I started getting weekly cortisone-like (i forgot the name of the drug but its basically cortisone) shots in my knee to help with the pain. It brought my constant daily pain from a 7.5 to maybe a solid 6 on good days. Again, I fall to old habits.

My boss is battling cancer, and knows of my pain (and how I have Lyme disease which I’m sure doesn’t help) and suggest a website to me that he uses for his medicinal marijuana products. Anyone who knows me, knows I smoke marijuana anyway. Yes, I have known the medicinal benefits and yada-yada, but I just enjoy it.

Well my order of assorted edibles, and my vape pen arrived aver a long anticipated 8 day turn around, my package arrived. I ate part of a chocolate bar last night, took a few vape hits (which is 92% THC, a bit higher then the shatter I normally can get) and went to sleep.

This morning i woke up, ate another piece off the chocolate bard, took a few more hits, and got in the shower. As I sat under the hot water I noticed something; for the first morning in years, I wasn’t in pain!! I mean i was a little groggy, but pain free! This shit works. In all my years of smoking pot, I never realized by just changing what strains I smoke/vape, and by eating another, its a fucking miracle drug. I feel human today. That, feels amazing…..

Surprise, surprise, I F’ed up again…

I don’t know how many people bother to read this anymore as it has been a while since my last update.

Well, like clockwork, I F’ed up again. I fell for someone I know I shouldn’t have, and I knew this from day 1. For some reason I lost control and fell for her despite knowing what I knew and knowing it was not a good thing. Honestly, for a couple weeks, I was happy.

But I fucked it up. This time I think its irreparable, and I lost another good friend, and a piece of me, again. This is something I was used to back when I used drugs, but knowing that’s has nothing to do with that is the part that hurts.

THE NOISE

Recently I was talking to someone about addiction and how there are different types in this world:

  1. Those who are looking to chase a feeling
  2. Those who are looking to silence ‘the noise’

I was never chasing a feeling, I was only trying to silence the noise. Just imagine watching a TV with no channel on  so its just that static snow, with the volume all the way up on surround sound. That’s ‘the noise’

The more time moves on, the more I realize its time. Time to start somewhere new. That feeling hurts. I mean yes, I have been talking about this move since November, but the realization just hit me that now I HAVE to. There’s nothing left in Massachusetts but broken friendships and heartache.

I used to believe in a concept we called ‘OC4L’ but I realize I’m the only person who still believes in that.

I was hesitant about publishing this post, but maybe 1 person reading this will understand what I mean by ‘the noise.

Right now the noise is at about 11 and my ear drums  are ready to pop.

Well folks, I think its time to keep up with the times, and change formats…

I know I haven’t written in a bit, but I have been stressed beyond believe the past week weeks between looking for a new job in an area I don’t know that well, a narcissistic boss who has been making life absolute hell, and every sign in the world I need to get my ass in gear and get south. I know i have been pausing and going back and forth for a month or 2, but recent events have solidified my choice of leaving. I need to go.

The reason I am writing this is because I am (unfortunately) a millennial by birth-age (however I will never identify as that)  so I need to keep up. Blogging is becoming a thing of yesteryear, and now everyone “goes live” or records them selves.

You will see me “live” more often via facebook (fuck that periscope BS) but Al of my videos  will be posted here. So My Blog just became a Vlog. Hope you enjoy my ugly mug of a face 😉

Check out my new VLOG section!

“New Year, New Me” Is Such Bullshit, But Change Is Necessary

We are about to close out possibly the worst year of my 28 years in existence. Details aren’t necessary, it seems pretty universal everywhere. I mean being a kid that grew up in the early 90’s, we lost some amazing pop icons.

Whatever I’ve been doing doesn’t seem to be producing positive results. Is it fate, or is it because I executed everything so poorly? I mean the year wasn’t a total loss. I’m finally driving a decent car which I love and took multiple road trips this summer, I have a job that allows me the flexibility to travel and call my own hours, even over the past 12 days have ended on a high note with some close friends reminding me that there’s more out there, I just need to look at things different.

So we come upon 2017 in a few days, and I have no idea what this year will bring. I can say that I’m still going to be the same asshole I was before, but 2017 is the year of change. It is time to make some big changes in my life, some which are certainly overdue. I know some of the changes I am making will surprise a lot of my friends, ad I’m sure I will lose touch with some because when someone changes a life style, they tend to disconnect from those that don’t change. I am only changing for myself, not for those around me.

I had 2 weekends this whole year that I truly enjoyed and can say I was actually truly happy. One of those weekends just passed us and it got me to thinking. Actually it got me thinking so much, It’s all I have thought about since.

Maybe moving to VA isn’t the greatest idea right now, and maybe I should reconsider relocating and where. I saw an old friend this weekend who reminded me to follow my heart and my passion. I don’t have true passion to move to VA, it’s just easy. It’s time to stop going for easy and maybe take a bigger risk.

So this new year, I will be changing in a positive direction with changes in my lifestyle. However that doesn’t change who I am. I’m still me, and I always will be, love me or hate me.

How did depression and addiction become such taboo?

I received a lot of comments, notes, emails, and Facebook posts about my personal fight with depression and addiction. Unfortunately my clinical depression and crippling anxiety has caused me to want to stay hidden about these types of issues.

After receiving the response I did yesterday, it made me think. How did these things become such taboo in our society to talk about? A lot of people experience the same thing but no one feels safe about talking about it.

Everyone reading this (And especially if you’re from Massachusetts) probably knows someone who has been affected by addiction. I can also guarantee anyone reading this either is, or has someone close to them affected by depression. So many people are affected. The taboo needs to be broken.

Personally I have tried talking about my issues with addiction to my close friends and family, and most of them understand it’s a disease and not a choice. I know this personally as there have been times in the past when in my head I didn’t want to use, but 3 hours later found myself buying a bag of dope or pills. I didn’t to, there is just something about addiction that causes your brain to run on auto-pilot with these things.

Anyways I’ll keep this short but I wanted to follow up from my post yesterday after thinking about it last night as I lay in bed falling asleep with my mind racing.

Depression & Addiction, A Taboo Among Society

As some of my personal friends know I have suffered from clinical depression on-and-off for years, only to discover that at 19, I am bi-polar as well. I’ve also shared the same struggle with addiction which took the life my life long best friend, and my close friend since middle school recently.

It seams to be a taboo among society to talk about with people, including those we are closest to in life. I can tell you that unfortunately I have lost friends due to my struggles. And you know what? It sucks not to be able to talk about it, other then to a professional. I want it to be accepted and be public about what struggle is like.

Depression is terrible and for those who have gone through it know exactly what I am talking about. Depression has come closer to killing me then my addictions ever have. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It takes over your whole body mind, soul, and personality. People will ask “How are  you?” or “How have you been lately?” and you want to do nothing more then unload to the point you have tears flowing down your cheeks. But as society wants and views, most of the time you just answer “Pretty good” or “Not too bad.” Depression leads me to the next taboo: Addiction.

I have struggled with addiction on-and-off since I was 20 years old. My addiction story starts just like every other, but It’s a bit different. I, like most, was involved in an accident where i was prescribed heavy opiates for an extended period of time, then was cut off without warning (Mind you this was 2007-2008 before laws became strict) because it was the start of an epidemic in this country. I had been smoking pot since I was 15 and had met a few people over the years that could connect me to other things, so getting my hands on anything was pretty easy.

I have always had an addictive personality that extends far beyond drugs and alcohol. When pills were thrown in the mix, it just made it worse. As time progressed I became close friends with my dealer who in turn gave me pills for cheap, and later became my roommate. He had a condition that caused him to get WAYYYY over prescribed different opiates and benzo’s. It got to a point where i never paid for a thing. There would be something waiting for me by my keys in the morning to get me through the day.

I pulled myself out of that scenario and “cleaned up” which really just meant I was only taking a couple “blues” (30mg Percoset) one or twice a week and getting better at hiding it. For 8 years of my life it has been to a point where I was more depressed then anything, and I would hit my low point and just go out and find a few blues. I would either pop them, or crush them and snort them. In my head I wasn’t an addict (haha) and I had it under control.

The times I have been clean in my life have been the times I have been the least depressed. When I fall to my depression, I turn to the one thing that has never let me down in my life. I lost 2 of my best friends in February due to addiction and it has caused the most depression in my life I have ever had. It’s part of the reason I am up at 2am writing this blog. I can say that for as low as I have felt, This time I have stayed clean, and its the hardest struggle I have dealt with since February.

Add my extreme anxiety to the mix, and you have a recipe for potential disaster. Currently, I feel I have it 85% under control. But this recurring insomnia, crippling depression, and struggle to keep clean really sucks, and 15% of me is ready to implode.