It’s amazing how you can lift yourself up on your own…

I have kept most of these blog posts deep and personal hoping that maybe someone out there can read these and relate, and realize they aren’t alone.

Brief rundown of recent events; I tore my right UCL (tendon that holds thumb together) and had to get surgery. So yes, I was on percoset for a bit. In that time I lost control for a bit and lost some close relationships. One of those was one of my parents who shall remain anon.

During my spin out I did have close friends who never left my side and helped me get past yet another giant roadblock in my life. Others decided that ditching me and “tough love” was a better route.  These are the people that I thought understood my life battles. I battle with many demons, but the worst of them all is depression and my anxiety disorder (which was recently re-diagnosed to be worse then originally dx’ed). The people that decided to turn their back and thought it was for the best for me, have no clue. It was the absolute worst thing to do in the worst time. When someone clearly needs help, help them! Would you let someone drown off a boat because “it’s best they learn to swim”? That is the most asinine thought process in the world. The damage is done with those relationships, the trust is lost on both ends, and I am not sure if it will ever be repaired. I was left to drown by them. Those that threw me a life preserver , well let’s just say I know who to trust.

I have since pulled myself up from where I was a month ago. My hand is healing better then expected, I am feeling better about myself, and I did it on my own, with the help of a few friends. Irreparable damage has been caused and I am starting to re-align myself to be exactly where I need to be. It’s unfortunate the damage I caused (and I take full responsibility) but it’s time to move forward.

Yes this is more personal then previous posts but the stigma behind addiction and psychological disorders needs to end.

The fear of change, and the fear of staying the same

Recently I decided MA wasn’t the state for me and it was that point in my life the relocation was the only answer. This whole process is moving quicker then i could imagine. Now I feel nervous and depressed. Yes, I want to leave, but I am starting over new. I know in my heart its time to leave. I have no friends around here anymore, and I want something new.

However as an introvert it scares the shit out of me. I hate meeting new people, and get terrified in the most basic situations. I’m also scared shitless to move. I don’t know if this is a good thing or the worst thing in the world for me.

I am also fearful that if I stay, bad habits will repeat themselves. The fact I’m scared, feel alone, and have no one to look to anymore is a recipe for a disastrous relapse, and that is the absolute lat thing I want. But if I feel is close and interment, is there power to stop?

I haven’t felt like this since February. And i hate that I do…

Hello world

Well this is my first post, so nothing too captivating. I plan on keeping this semi-anonymous to be as honest as possible. This is mostly a blog about my life in the city and my daily encounters.

I will try to update as much as possible. Crazy things are always happening around Boston.